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Meet Jesus.

I love Jesus. Truly I do. And I make no apologies for it. His teachings and ideas are the basis for the belief system of hippies the world over.

Be nice. Do the right thing. Don't judge people.

The only thing I've never been able to understand is how it's possible that someone so laid back could be the child of a tyrannical ego-maniac like God. I mean, have you read the Old Testament? God was mean ... cruel even. Imagine God as a person. Now imagine a person who demands your unwavering love and devotion in spite of the fact that he's willing to offer you no help. Imagine a man who orders you to kill your child - badgers you about it really - only to call it off at the last minute and declare the whole episode part of some sick test he used to gauge your faithfulness to him. A parent who allows their child to be murdered. Would you want anything to do with that person? Of course not!

So how, then, did Jesus get mixed up with someone like this? What on earth could have possessed him to say "Hey, you know that freak who had people wandering the desert for 40 years? The guy who made a met with the devil and then proceeded to use poor old Job as his personal guinea pig? Yeah, that's my dad." What was he thinking? What could have led him down that road to eventual ruin?

My gut reaction is to say that he wasn't really the actual son of God, that part seems to have been just a huge misunderstanding. There's just no way a being as vindictive and petty as God could have spawned a man who's mission in life was to spread tolerance, understanding and love. It'd be like George W having a kid who was socially functional, literate and intelligent.

So, then, how can we explain all his miracles? Clearly this was a man who was not only charismatic and influential, he was also the possessor of some form of special ability. Where could it have come from? How was it that he was able to, in some cases, manipulate the universe?

What's more, how is it possible that, in spite of his family insisting to everyone that he was indeed the son of God which undoubtedly could have bloated the poor kid's ego to frightening proportions, Jesus still resolved to use his powers for good. You never saw him wandering around and destroying people's lives based on a wager with the Devil or zapping them into pillars of salt in front of their scared and frightened family, leaving their daughters to grow up under the regime of a man who, less than 24 hours earlier, had offered them to a crowd of angry Sodomites. No ... Jesus wouldn't do things like that. Jesus spent his time doing hands on ministering - reaching out to touch the infectious and diseased.

The Old and New Testaments in the Bible are more than just two separate books, they're two totally different ways of thinking.

So how did this happen? How did the man reported to be the son of God turn out so wildly different?

The answer, my friends, is that Mary must have been impregnated by aliens.

Jesus very well could have been intended as a savior for us all. But he didn't come from God. God, assuming he even really exists, has obviously lost interest in this toy we call Earth. He's left us on auto-pilot and gone off to watch the new season of Friends. Besides ... if God is real and Jesus is really his son - why would anyone want to worship a being that would send its own child off to be murdered?

And, if we just change that one aspect of the story behind Jesus and go ahead with the assumption that Jesus was sired by aliens then the whole thing makes SO much more sense. (Well, more than Bible anyway)

Aliens came to Earth that night and visited Mary. Mary had no frame of reference for this - I mean, people still thought the stars were literally pinholes in the curtain of night. She'd have no clue about distant planets, far off galaxies and advanced species. So, of course, these beings would seem like angels to her. And when they told her what they had planned for her well ... how else was she supposed to interpret that?

So, nine months later, when Jesus popped out looking very much human and cuddly, she kept it up. Telling him he was the son of god was surely more palatable than telling him he was of alien stock. His alien lineage, though, could possibly explain his seemingly supernatural powers. After all, for a species who had mastered faster than light travel, turning water into wine would be considered something of a parlor trick.

Jesus, of course, never realized it and, like the rest of the world, simply accepted that what his mother told him was the truth. He tried, I think, to be that person (and was even willing to die for it) but there's just no way. Jesus was a truly unique force and not one who should now be assuming the blame for archaic teachings of a God who once cared about what he had created. People who mock Christianity now lump poor old Jesus in with all that eye for an eye crap and it's just not fair.

So, next time you feel the itch to make fun of Christianity or, more specifically, The Bible, leave Jesus out of it. He was just an innocent, extra terrestrial bystander.