An Open Letter to the British

So I've been in England a full year now. It's taken me awhile to get a handle on life here - the culture shock still hasn't totally ebbed away quite yet.

But, after a year, I feel as though I have a few things to say to you people:

Pronunciation
Repeat after me: School. Schematic. Schedule.

Know what those three words have in common? All three begin with the sound 'sk' - as in 'skool', 'skematic' and 'skedule' Just fucking accept it.

Now let's move on to controversy - and not all of you are sinners on this one. So if you say controversy like this (emphasized syllable in bold): 'con-tro-ver-see' then you're safe. But if you pronounce it like this: 'con-trah-va-see' then get with the program.

Spelling
If you dislike the French then why do you insist on using their spelling with words like 'colour' and 'centre'? It's okay to make changes to a language. Really. Go ahead and make it your own.

Measurements
The Metric system is just plain bad. If someone tells me how much something is per litre or kilo or gram, then I'm gonna need to know what that is in real money.

And in the spring it's 50 degrees outside, not 10. This past summer people were freaking out over 20 degree weather. Coming from the Ohio snowbelt (where we use REAL measurements) 20 degrees means snow, sleet and slush, not sweltering afternoons.

Shopping / Customer Service
Supermarkets like Tesco and Sainsbury's et al can't claim to be open 24 hours and still close at 5 on Sundays. The world doesn't stop at 5 o'clock Sunday. I can't tell you how irritating that is.

Plus, you need to employ 'baggers' at grocery stores. These humans put groceries in bags for customers. Customers shouldn't have to do this themselves.

Having said that, I am totally in love with the great queuing system you have. Those little LED signs that flash and let you know which register / till is open is a great fucking idea and the rest of the world definitely needs to adopt them.

Bars / Pubs
Closing time should never be 11pm. Get a grip and join the rest of the world - keep those pubs open until 2am at least. And add some mixed drinks to your line up, I haven't been able to get a Long Island Iced Tea or a White Russian since I moved here.

TV / Entertainment / Music / The Arts / Sports
Ab Fab is not funny. James Bond is overrated. Mister Bean is little more than the poor man's Jerry Lewis. Eastenders is wank.

The Office, Monkey Dust and The League of Gentlemen are genius. But get your shit together and get some new episodes of The Simpsons, The Sopranos, Third watch, The Shield and ER in ... fast.

BBC should not be allowed to have cable channels. Otherwise, TV license fees should be eradicated. And blind people shouldn't have to pay for it ... they're fucking BLIND!

Most stuff nominated for the Tate award isn't art: It's shit.

Victoria Beckham is now and forever shall be Posh Spice.

I realize that American Football isn't all that rough or impressive. But your football is soccer. Soccer is the sport parents enroll their children in until they figure out which real sport they want to pursue. Manchester United isn't a football team - it's a soccer team. Just accept it so we can all move on.

Sport you need to promote more: Conkers

Food
A Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich is not an exotic food item.

Blood Pudding is absolutely revolting - both in theory and practice. Ban it immediately.

A1 is better than Brown Sauce and HP Sauce. Begin importing it immediately and thank me later.

Why on earth is almost everything served with half a grilled tomato?

Vocabulary
The British vocabulary is second to none. In addition to the never ending sea of euphemisms and slang you have, you all strike me as (overall) a really well read bunch.

Having said that .... Cockney rhyming slang is both stupid and useless. Very few things get on my tits as much as that fucking shit. It's one thing to come up with some coded way of communicating if you're talking about robbing banks, selling drugs or other illegal activities. But there's no need to try and make things like your hurting feet (plates of meat) or going up the stairs (apples and pears) sound like more than they are. Get a grip.

Brits and Americans
I can deal with a good amount of ribbing - I know Americans can be a strange lot. And Lord knows our Commander in Thief, George W, is a fucking nut-job dictator wannabe - but keep it up and I swear to god, I'm gonna launch a liberation mission on your ass.

You're all becoming more and more Americanized. Don't believe me - go to your local McDonald's, get a cup of hot coffee, spill it on yourself and then launch a frivolous lawsuit. Or you could model yourself after a stupid lawsuit launched by one of your fellow Britons. This guy, for example: http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/england/norfolk/2989114.stm

Public Relations
Newsflash: The IRA has great PR thanks to the fact that you never seem too keen on letting their terrorist attacks to become national or international media attention. Rumor has it that this is because you didn't want to encourage the behavior. But I'm here to tell ya: it only makes people think you're evil and the Irish are a bunch of poor, oppressed freedom fighters.

That about covers it for now ... I'll add more as is neccessary.