The Top 20 Scariest / Strangest Internet Celebrities
(in no particular order)

The internet is fun. It's gone beyond its original purpose as a clearing house for porn and now features more than a few frightening humans. Internet Celebritis make the rounds on weird link pages and in forwarded emails but many of them waste away in virtual obscurity. Her's a run down of the frakiest of the freaky - some are well known and others are obscure internet gems. Know of any others? Email me!

2. Randy Constan (aka The Peter Pan Guy)
http://www.pixyland.org/peterpan/
Hits: 4,591,126
Look on almost any 'weird links' page and chances are good you'll find this guy. He's a classic. The 49 year old Floridian is a strong devotee of the Peter Pan lifestyle. Two unsurprising facts are that he's a computer programmer and single. Though he refers to his sexual fantasy as 'sparkles' he's an endearing creature nonetheless. Comments like "As you can see from my website, I believe life is too short to hide oneself away. This is why I've been pretty up front about a self image that might embarrass some. It is my belief that we should celebrate the things that bring us joy in life..." leave me with a strange impression of the man. After all, it's weird to read sentences you can agree with when the author is a man dressed in a tiny green dress.

3. Lloyd Quinto - The Scooby Doo / X-Files Conspiracy Theory
http://www.aznet.net/~lloyd/scooby.html
Hits: 198,269
Lloyd Quinto is on a personal quest to expose the volatile truth about the connection between Scooby-Doo and The X-Files. One can only wonder how long it will take before he sees the connection between The Justice League and Law & Order.

4. Rev. Gary Phelps
http://www.godhatesfags.com
Hits: 3,477,796
A truly frightening human being. The original pro-choice poster child. The Repugnant Revered is responsible for such news making events as the protest of the Matthew Shepard funeral. Scary enough to induce nightmares. Now he runs a frighteningly popular internet ministry. I emailed the good Rev. Phelps and asked how large his ministry was and I received and email from the man himself which said simply 'Lots' and directed me to two other web sites of his (http://www.godhatesamerica.com and http://www.hatemongers.com) and then received another email from Margie Phelps which read:

'You may want to brush up on what the Bible thinks about your question.
"For there is no restraint to the LORD to save by many or by few" (1 Sam. 14:6). And never forget how angry the Lord was with David when he numbered the people (2 Sam. 24).

Whether we have 2 people or 2 million people, 1) we had just the right number to ensure that YOU got the message and the same will be true of this entire generation and 2) it changes NOTHING about the duty of every one of God's creatures to fear him and keep his commandments. It would be wise for you to focus more on that duty, and less on an unnatural and irrelevant quest to quantify us.'

5. John Titor - Time Traveller
http://www.johntitor.com/
Hits: Not Available
Time traveller or loony? It's hard to tell, really. John keeps his predictions short and sparse but he does reveal that the US Government will undergo a massive decentralization after a civil war and that the new US capital will be in Omaha, Nebraska.

6. Psycho Bitches From Hell
http://www.geocities.com/SiliconValley/Haven/9124/psycho.html
Hits: Not Available
They may be Psycho Bitches From Hell but, judging from their one page, link free website, they don't have much to say and aren't at all interested in what you have to say either. Cunts.

7. Fran Baskerville - The Singing Psychic
http://www.singingpsychic.com/
Hits: Not Available
It's not so much the fact that she's a singing psychic that creeps me out .. it's the look on her face in the picture. I'm guessing it's her 'I know something you don't know' look, but it just comes over as being her 'I think I've just pooped my pants' look. From the site: "Fran discovered her psychic abilities after a near death experience involving an eighteen wheel lumber truck. She uses her abilities for psychic detective work and ghostbusting." I have a sneaking suspicion she owns that soundtrack...

8. Richard S. Tolley - Opera, Playable Symphonic Music, & Physics Paper
http://www.rstolley.com/
Hits: Near the bottom of the page is a hit counter that reads 36393, but also on the page is this bit of info: 'Jul 2002 (104,803 requests for pages)'
Exercise caution when visiting this site as it may very well may drive you so insane you'll claw your own eyes out just to make it stop. About 1/10 of the way down this absurdly long page, Dick tells us " IF IT WAS EXTREMELY SLOW FOR YOU TO DOWNLOAD THIS INDEX PAGE....IT IS BECAUSE I HAD TO USE Microsoft WORD TO CODE THIS PAGE." Uh ... no. It takes a long time to download because it's full of ludicrously large graphics and a constant stream of one liners, most of which make no sense whatsoever.

Some examples:
"David Gilmore, The Lead Guitar Player AND Writer For THIS ALBUM Was, In-A-Past-Life, Gaheris, KING ARTHUR'S FAVORITE KNIGHT OF THE ROUND TABLE AND MY AND THE GRAIL MAIDEN'S ARTHURIAN BROTHER!!!!!!!"
"HE WAS, ALSO, THE GRAIL MAIDEN AND SIR PERCIVALE'S SON IN Lord Of The Rings!!!!!"
"TWICE."
"HE MARRIED OUR DAUGHTER!"
"I HAVE SEEN THREE OF OUR GRANDSONS THROUGH THEM, AND ONE OF THEIR WIVES....AND BOTH MOTHER, AND GRANDMOTHER, HERE IN MADISON, WISCONSIN ON THE 90th PARALLEL!!!!!!"

and:

"FOLKS!!@%^&^#$##$####!!##!!##!!######!"

and:

"I....AM.....BEING BLOCKED.....ON 'THE FREE WORLD-WIDE-WEB'.....BY 'THE NAZIS'."
"JEWS."

and:

"WATCH OUT FOR 'DER GESTAPO'."
"IT."
"IS JEWISH......"
"."

It bears mentioning that I haven't added the quotations around those lines. For reasons I don't even want to know, Dick places all of his text inside them.

You get the idea ... the site is simply atrocious. Brace yourself, click on the link, and then go make yourself a strong drink while it loads.

9. David Icke
http://www.davidicke.com/
Hits: Not available
British readers will recognize this man - he's a former football (read Soccer) player who now spends his time alerting the world to the fact that we're all being ruled by lizards. At the bottom of his home page there's a Matrix-esque choice between a red 'enter' or blue 'escape' pill ... once you enter you may wonder if you accidentally clicked on the 'drive me insane with your preposterously pompous pontifications' pill.

10. Andrew Spooner Jr. - Paul McCartney Really Is Dead
http://uberkinder.5u.com/paul/
Hits: 63,632
Paul McCartney sure does look a lot different than he did when he first shook those shaggy locks, doesn't he? Yeah, well, that's because he's been replaced with a look-alike in 1966. The web site discusses differences in photographs as well as vocal discrepancies but, sadly, the part of the site that will reportedly discuss why he was replaced in the first place hasn't been posted yet. It makes you wonder, though ... why didn't they go to this much trouble over John Lennon?

11. Gene Ray - NATURE'S HARMONIC SIMULTANEOUS 4-DAY TIME CUBE
http://www.timecube.com/
Hits: '1,000,000 hits and beseen counter died'
Imagine a cross between a mad scientist and a zealous evangelist and toss in a frightening affection for HUGE Times New Roman (most of the site is either 24 or 36 point) text and you've got Gene Ray. Gene insists that if the world were to stand still, there would be sun rise, midday, sun down and midnight at it's four different 'corners' and, thus, the world goes through 4 separate days on each revolution. Some people call these separate days time zones, but not Gene. He claims that the suppression of 'cube time' are the result of evil educators who would rather 'eat dung before debating it.' Uh-huh. It might help his cause of he hadn't included these 'arguments' on his page:

'God created only a single 24 hour day rotation of Earth, while I have created 4 simultaneous 24 hour days within a single rotation of Earth - therefore, I am wiser than the word god, and all word worshipers. All words are fictitious.'

'Hey stupid - are you too dumb to know there are 4 different simultaneous 24 hour days within a single rotation of Earth?'

And:

'Evil educators refuse to recognize the wisest of humans to ever exist. My magnificent creation of 4 simultaneous 24 hour days within a single rotation of Earth, debunks the puny 1-day rotation of a fake word god and stupid educators. Nature has no choice but to bring forth a hell upon evil cubelessness. Know it to be of your own making.'

And, of course, it would help if he proffered up some of the ' absolute unrefutable proof' he's forever blithering on about.

12. Ke-ri Hanson
http://www.geocities.com/mysterygrill/
Hits: 59,718
There's some debate over whether or not this site is just a joke. There's plenty of evidence to suggest that it may be but, then again ...

Ke-ri (who offers no reason for this bizarre spelling) created her site to find a husband. And with such memorable lines as 'I don't think people give Tim McVay enough credit. I mean, the guy was just doing something he believed in, for christ sake. If he hadn't killed any children, I doubt there would be so many people who hated him' it's no wonder she wound up receiving '[a] million bajillion e-mails'.

Update from 'Ke'ri':
Hey -- I did a random google search, and just found your website that counts down the twenty best internet celebrities. Thanks for putting Ke-Ri Hanson at number 12.

Ke-Ri's a fake. I know because I made the site myself while I was working at a dead-end job at a commercial agency. I killed her off when I couldn't decide what to do anymore -- but I still have a yahoo mailbox with about a thousand brilliant e-mails from strangers. It was a strange trip while it lasted. I forget it's still there sometimes.

Thanks again for the props,
Eva Anderson
Hollywood, CA

13. Sam Sloan
http://www.ishipress.com
Hits: Not Available
Combine a pompous and self-righteous blow hard, access to an HTML editor and a passion for Times New Roman and you get Mr. Sam Sloan. His web page gives us such nuggets of wisdom as: "Women want to be skinny so that they can find a man to fuck them" <shudder>

14. Chrissy Lecreme
http://members.tripod.com/~ChrissyLee/index.html
Hits: 55,754
Cross dresser who gets off on having banana cream pies thrown in his/her face. Need I say more?

15. Ouchy the Dom Clown
http://www.ouchytheclown.com/welcome.html
Hits: Not Available
More proof (as if it were needed) that clowns truly are frightening
"As your clown dominant, I am your excruciating source for Bondage and discipline, Hot wax, Straight razor shaving, Boundary pushing, Making you laugh while I hurt you. I have been a practicing clown dom for over two years and am respectful of all limits. Trust me, I'm a clown."

16. Spammy (The Spam Princess)
http://buggeroff.org/
Hits: 45,178
Not scary in that creepy sort of way but insidiously intimidating nonetheless. Spammy was once voted the queen of alt.tasteless, which should give you an idea about her sense of humor. But if you're wondering if cats like breast milk then see Spammy the Spam Princess.

17. John Richards - The Apostrophe Protection Society
http://www.apostrophe.fsnet.co.uk/
Hits: 193,777
Does it ever bother you that people use "it's" when they should be using "its" or "you're" as opposed to "your"? well it bugged this guy enough to prompt him to being The Apostrophe Protection Society. It should come as no surprise to learn he's British.

18. B3TA: Fat Bastard (Jared Wagner)
http://www2.b3ta.com/b/fatbastard/
Hits: Not available
This is another graphics heavy page and you should let it sit for awhile to allow everything to load. You should also refrain from eating anything while viewing it since it's absolutely nauseating. Jared Wagner maybe have trotted down to the local In-And-Out Burger but he undoubtedly wobbled out. On this site, he provides a gruesome slide show of his consumption of a 16 patty Cheeseburger, no doubt securing a place on PETA's Most Wanted List.

19. Green E - The Environmental Elvis
http://www.greenelvis.com/
Hits: Not available
Move over Weird Al - mind the daisies! The environmentally sound King of Compost is ready to spread the love of 'Momma Earth' to everyone.

20. Ted Jesus Christ God
http://wypleader.freeservers.com/
Hits: Not available
If I met Ted in person, I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to resist poking him with a stick as that's about as close as I'd want to get to his total and complete insanity. Ted thinks he is Jesus and he offers up the sacrilegious proof on this site. His first scrap of proof is: " Jewish and also an Ancestor of David and of the Davidic Royal Bloodline and is a VERY DISTINCTIVE LOOK. For many this artist rendition of Jesus Christ is the most popular and accepted and many different renditions look similar to very similar in looks." The picture he references, however, depicts Jesus as a brown haired white man ... which we all know he most certainly wasn't. Ted is also the master of run on sentences, with some of them weighing in at an impressive 400+ words. Eat your heart out Faulkner.

Know of a a site that should be on this list? Dead Link? Email me!

Mad props to Harold Freshour (aka Ayche) for all his help with this list! Do the right thing and visit his shamelessly promoted site:
http://www.geocities.com/aychepling/