FAQ
People have questions. I (sometimes) have answers. Ask
me
What's your name?
What's your job title?
How long have you been dead?
How many others are there like
you?
Are
God and Satan real?
Is there really a Death character?
The scythe and robes and all that?
What happens when you die?
Does death hurt?
Why do we have to die?
A lot of your culls seem to
be drug realted. Are you anti-drug?
Have any of your culls ever
gotten violent with you? Have you ever been scared?
What was your first cull?
What does it feel like when you
touch someone?
How did you die?
If you died so young, then
why do you have so much to work off?
Do stillborn babies and aborted
fetuses get culled?
Looking Familiar
How do I get on the list?
Do you Dream?
Can you still contract STDs?
Has your taste in music changed
since dying?
Getting away with it
Is sex after death as good as
sex while you're alive?
Death and Religon?
Deathday Party?
I *heart* Cleveland!
Buried vs Burned
Vacations
Personal Hygiene of the
Dead
The Election
Dead Couch Potato
What happens after
you are done being a culler? what happens next?
Scared to Die
One Big Bureaucracy?
What's your name?
Emily
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What's your job
title?
Field Culler
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How long have you
been dead?
Well, that depends on when you're asking. I died on March 18, 2000.
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How many others
are there like you?
I don't know. Lots. In the neighborhood I work in I know of at least 50
other cullers. There must be millions .. shit, BILLIONS of use all over
the world.
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Are God and Satan
real?
I don't think so. I think there are some pretty powerful beings ultimately
in charge but I don't know that they're God and Satan, per se. I have
boss (my Cull Manager) who has a boss, who has a boss, who has a boss,
who answers to THE boss. But, we're not really the typical Office Christmas
Party bunch so I don't really know anyone beyond Paul (my boss). I saw
his boss once at the Central Processing Office. I know her name is Margaret
and she's really tall. She looked pretty pissed when I saw her but I didn't
ask any questions. Hell, I'm dead, not stupid.
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Is there really
a Death character? The scythe and robes and all that?
Believe it or not, yes. He's real. And he's such an ASSHOLE! He used to
do this job on his own, which may give him ample excuse for being an asshole
now. I don't know. Anyway, he stopped being able to keep up a long time
ago. People have been getting assigned to this job for at least the last
500 years.
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What happens when
you die?
Well, as soon as you actually die there's this weird sonic boom sensation
that thumps through you. The white light a lot of people talking about
is the beginning of that boom. You can (sort of) get an idea of what it
looks like if you squeeze your eyes shut real tight and start rubbing
them. You'll start to see what can only be described as a fuzzy looking
tunnel. The longer you do it the more you'll be able to see it. It's sort
of like that - but with an accompanying sensation of pressure and breathlessness.
Once that happens, whomever's list you popped up on will already be there. Don't freak if they seem bored or agitated. You may be their 10th pick up of the day so you might catch them at the end of a shift. They're not being insensitive, they just hate their job.
They'll get you to
your caseworker. This usually happens pretty quickly, though if you're
a suicide you'll have to wait around until you're found. Once there, you'll
be assessed and assigned. I can tell you from experience that if you've
lived a so-so life you'll end up with this job until you've burned off
whatever shit stains you have on your soul.
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Does death hurt?
Well, the actually death part doesn't hurt at all. But it depends a whole
lot on how you die. If you're alive long enough for your brain to register
what's happening to you, then FUCK YES it hurts! If not, then no. I've
culled people who've been involved in some ugly deaths and they'll scream
and moan for a full five minutes after they're dead about the pain. On
the other hand, I've picked up cancer patients who greet me with the smile
that only comes after a blissful release.
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Why do we have to die?
This is probably one of the most common questions I get from someone right
after I've culled them. And it's sort of hard to answer ... there are
lots of different ideas floating around out there. I'm afraid being on
the other side of the life coin doesn't offer too many new insights on
this one, friend.
The first reason death exists is that we, as humans, are organic things and, like all other organic things, our systems just naturally break down after awhile. So that's the physical reason. But I suspect you inquiry is concerned more with the whole 'why are we here if all we do is die' scene.
Well, like any species, we're here to try and do everything we can to ensure our survival. And, I suspect, we're here to serve some form of a higher purpose. Not in the customary God-and-Jesus sort of way, I don't get that vibe. But clearly there's some higher form of intelligence at work here.
Religion becomes something of a moot point once you die - although I've met some culled Zen Buddhists who seem to think this all makes sense. But I've met a lot more cullers who've developed a serious interest in Quantum Theory, which says that the entire universe rests on a net of information. Something like intelligence ... maybe we're supposed to be aspiring to something close to that. I really don't know.
But I'll tell you this much: we die, but a lot of us don't really die. We're all here, burning off something, working off some debt we never knew we had incurred. Sadly, though, I can't offer any enlightenment on what happens next. I have no idea what will happen to me once I'm done serving whatever penance I have to serve. It's sort of like living all over again ... waiting for your after-life career to end is sort of like waiting for death again. No one knows what's going to happen after this - and the people who do know aren't talking.
So, sorry I couldn't be of more help on this one. Physically, we die because our cells break down, or else we fall victim to the stupidity or violence of humans - of someone else or ourselves. Spiritually ... I'm not sure.
But I know there's
hope.
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A lot of your culls seem to be drug realted. Are you anti-drug?
It's true that I cull a lot of people who fall victim to a drug overdose,
but I'm definitely not anti-drug. As a matter of fact, I'm a big fan and
I use them a lot to help cope with this job. Having said that, I'm also
a big advocate of responsible drug use.
And, to be honest with you, only a small percentage of my culls are drug
related. But if I were to make a blog entry for each and every cull I
did I'd be chained to this computer every spare minute of the day and,
quite frankly, you'd be bored. I write entries for the ones that are memorable
or interesting in some way. It's just coincidence that so many of them
are drug related.
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Have you ever been attacked by one of your Culls? If so, how badly
were you injured...were you injured or can you even be injured? Can one
of your Culls theoretically kill you? (I know you can't die, but would
that send you on to whatever is next?)
People don't get violent too often. I've been hit a few times and once I was shot. I think that was the scariest one. It was when I was still new and I was culling this guy who'd robbed a gas station and was later shot in the back by his accomplice for the $300 they stole. As soon as I touched him this strange look came over his face, he took out his gun and shot me right in the chest. I pissed my pants. Literally.
But once you get used to the job, you stop being scared. No matter what they do to you while you're culling them they can't really hurt you. The bullet whizzed right through me and even though I could feel it passing through my body it didn't hurt. I just lost my breath for a minute.
Strangely enough,
though, I have gotten paper cuts while processing culls, so figure that
out.
But, no, there's no way to speed this process up and find out what happens.
When you're dead and assigned to being a Culler it's because you need
to work off something from your life or because you have some greater
purpose which can be achieved through the work. Well, at least that's
the line your Cull Manager will give you. A lot of Cullers try and off
themselves when they first get their assignments but it just doesn't work.
The up side to all of this is that you can embark on any activity with
a self-confidence you could never experience in life. Not having to worry
about dying is unbelieveably freeing. But it's hell on the Do-It-Yourselfers.
Almost all of them really agonize over the decision to kill themselves
and then they usually just end up becoming Cullers. It's like some sort
of cruel joke but, then again, I suppose that's what it is. Death is a
cruel bastard.
If you do manage to get hurt when you're not on a cull, it's almost the
same scenario as when you'd be hurt as a topsider. You can be cut, bruised,
maimed, etc. but you just won't die and you heal a hell of a lot faster.
Plus, it takes a lot more to hurt you.
A few years ago, Eugene went through a wicked depression and jumped off
a bridge. He ended up with two broken legs and some bruises. He was back
on the job within a week.
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Once you're done with
training your cull manager does everything he or she can to make sure
your first solo shift is pretty much a cake walk. The first shift I took
on my own was at a nursing home, so my first cull ended up being a 97
year old man who died from respiratory failure. As soon as he saw me he
grabbed my hand and wept. At first I got a little freaked out but he buried
his face in my shoulder and kept whimpering 'Thank you' over and over
again.
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What does it feel like when you touch someone?
The best way I can think of to explain it is like a sonic boom. You feel it coming on and your body sort of braces itself as you start to touch them and then there's this 'whoomp' sort of sensation. Like being in the ocean and having a wave come up on you. Not unpleasant but still a shock. On long days it really drains you.
For the person who's
dying it's like that, too, but stronger and slightly frightening since
they've never experienced anything quite like it. Some people get sick
after you do it (I've been vomited on more times than I care to admit)
but most people are just stunned into silence.
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I was involved in a high speed motorcycle accident. I was coming around a turn (wearing a helmet, of course) and an oncoming car had drifted into my lane. I swerved, but not enough and we hit head on. I was flipped onto their car and through their windshield. Messy scene.
My bike was totalled
and when I was culled I was more upset about the bike than I was about
my life, or lack thereof. It took awhile before the seriousness hit me
but I was lucky enough to be culled by a seasoned professional.
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If you died so young, then why do you have so much to work off?
Well, I don't
know that I have so much to work off. To be honest, I have no idea what
the scale is for figuring out how long you'll be stuck being a culler.
I have, of course, given it great thought since dying. And I think it's
more than just how bad you've been during your life - it's also how good
you've been. Yeah, I died early, so in addition to whatever I did that
was less than stellar, I also didn't spend all the time I should have
done being good. And i think that's a big chunk of what I'm working off
now. All the good things I should have done but never had the time to.
But thanks for assuming I lived a sin-soaked life.
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Do stillborn babies and aborted fetuses get culled?
I'm not entirely sure.
I hadn't really thought about it before. I've never culled a stillborn
or been present for an abortion - not even when I've pulled a weeks worth
of hospital shifts. I asked The Nobodies and none of them have either.
Rosalie's exact words were "Of course not. Don't be so fucking morbid,
Emily."
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If Emily is dead but still appears living to the rest of the world, what
would happen if some one she knew saw her...some one she knew personally,
and would definitely recognize her.
Good question. Usually, cullers are assigned to a different part of the country / world than they lived in. This takes care of a lot of the worry, but it by no means ensures their anonymity - especially when it comes to famous people.
Luckily, however, the human brain helps us a lot. A culler's appearance is slightly changed when they die. Nothing big and it's barely noticeable really. It's sort of like the difference between seeing a celebrity on TV, in the movies or in a glossy magazine spread versus when you see them in person. They look shorter or chubbier or thinner or in some other way different because the medium itself changes their appearance (the old maxim about the camera adding ten pounds, for example) Life does the same thing. When we're alive we all give off electro-magnetic pulses and it's these pulses, in part, that allow your brain to assemble to different features and recall who they are. Cullers don't give off those signals. We're dead.
You might wonder why cullers don't just go and see their families and friends, though. The answer to that is a lot harder to explain. It's not that we don't want to - believe me we do. And there's nothing physically keeping us from doing it. We're not struck down or anything if we come within five feet of someone we know. And all new cullers think about it - but you just don't do it. During your training you're given updates about the people you want to know about. You're aware of what's going on with their lives, how they're coping, how they're surviving and coming to grips with the fact that you're dead. By the time your training is completed and you're running culls on your own and have free time again, everyone who knew about your death has been dealing with it for awhile. If you were to then go them and try to convince them that you're still around, you'd be causing them an insane about of serious fucking mental anguish.
You know that scene in The Matrix (the first - and only good - one) where they disconnect Neo from the Matrix and tell him about it and he freaks out and pukes up that cottage cheese looking stuff? Imagine that about a thousand times worse and that's the kind of hell you'd be inflicting on those people - on the people you love. It could conceivably make them lose their minds.
Sorry if this seems
confusing at the moment but, trust me, it'll all make sense one day.
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Is there any way for a living person to get their name on a cull list
faster without having to commit suicide or engage in life-threatening
activities? Not very many people want to die, but there are some who would
rather not live if they had a convenient option available. To your knowledge,
does such an option exist?
You can find your way onto a cull list in many ways. You can smoke, drink, ride motorcycles and, of course, live dangerously. Granted there are some people who are just meant to live long lives. There are always people who will live to a ripe old age in spite of anything they do.
One thing you can do is to actively wish for death. I can't tell you how many times I've gotten a last minute addition who's young, physically healthy and should have lived to a ripe old age. And almost every time I can see the look of relief flicker over their face and I know when I touch them, I can feel how much they've been wanting to die, how done with life they were for so long.
You know the way they always tell terminally ill patients who want to live that they just need to keep high spirits and maintain an optimistic outlook? I think it's sort of like the reverse side of that coin.
So, if you want to
up your chances of getting onto a culler's list more quickly take up smoking,
buy yourself a motorcycle and start preparing for death. Start sending
us the message and chances are good that eventually we'll get it.
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Do you Dream?
Yeah. All the time. My dreams tend to be a bit more fucked up now - kind
of like the weird dreams you might have if you're whacked out on drink
or perscription mediciation. When I first died I didn't dream at all,
or, if I did, then I just didn't remember. But I think it was just the
shock of my brain getting used to this new reality.
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Can you still contract
STDs?
No. It's one of the
fringe benefits to being dead. Like I said in an earlier
response, we can get hurt and injured physically, but when it comes
to STDs or viral infections we're not really affected. I can't tell you
how freeing this is for people who loved sex when they were top-siders
but hated all the worry and fear of picking up casual partners. And people
who die of AIDS are thrilled about it as well. Actually, they're some
of the best culls since they feel like they're getting a second chance
at life.
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Has your taste in music changed since dying?
Um, yeah actually. But I think it's honestly a natural evolution. I've
been dead a little over 4 years and let's be honest here - haven't your
tastes in music changed a bit over the last 4 years? When I first died
I got really depressed and wound up listening to a lot of Portishead and
Morrisey (trust me, it seemed like a perfectly normal mix at the time)
But then, as time went on I ended up drifting back to more normal sounds
and even got back into some music I'd enjoyed as a topsider.
These days I listen
to a lot of feel-good music - my afterlife is depressing enough. I've
also learned to enjoy my inner dork when it comes to music. I've almost
stopped blushing when I get caught listening to my 'Ace of Base' or 'Andrew
W. K.' CDs but, admittedly, it's hard to not feel a bit self-conscious
over it.
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Why is
it you can get away with writing the Blog? I mean, it's surely regarded
as "privileged information" or somesuch, that shouldn't really
be shared with the living (you've mentioned that relationships with topsiders
are discouraged for similar reasons). Aren't you breaking some kind of
Cullers "magician's code"? What would happen if you were found
out? More time added on?
When I first saw this question I felt cold fingernails running over my vertebrae. I actually didn't know whether or not I'd get into trouble so I did some hunting and low key asking around. Turns out I'm not the first person to publish some beyond the grave memoirs.
Even so, it's nothing the Death Establishment smiles upon. I've revealed a lot of the inner workings of the Death industry and I suppose that could get me into some trouble. On the up side, there are millions of cullers working all over the world and I could just be lying about working in Cleveland. So there is a certain amount of built-in anonymity in this I suppose.
Or at least that's
the sliver of hopefulness I'm currently working under. I like writing
this Blog and I don't want to stop. And now I wonder what would really
happen if anyone with power found out and demanded I stop. I seriously
doubt the powers that be care much about what small fish like me get up
to, though.
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Is sex after death as good as sex while you're alive?
To be honest, it's
really similar: it depends a lot on who you end up with.
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What religion were you when were alive? Did death affect your religious
outlook at all?
I was born into a strangely Baptist family. My father was deeply involved in the church and my mother became involved once they got together. By the time I was born, my father was teaching an Adult Bible Class and my mother was running the summer Bible Camp. The first six years of my life were steeped in Bible Classes, Jesus Jamborees and Bake Sales. Then I enrolled into Mr. Harper's first grade class and my mother joined PTA. By the time I was 7 she and my father were separated and I was living with my aunt so I could go to a school in a different district.
The affair only lasted a year but none of us ever went back to that church. Well, that's not entirely true actually. We did go back once but no one spoke to us and as soon as we sat down, everyone else in the entire pew got up and found other places to sit. My mother and father looked at each other and then at me and we all left. After that, we never went back. My father ended up joining a Unitarian church and my mother turned to total atheism. As an adult (or an early 20-something) I found myself gravitating towards Buddhism but never really got around to deciding one way or the other.
Since my death I've
adopted a more liberal approach to the whole thing. I believe in something,
but I'm just not sure what it is. Life and death are very ordered and
intricate and I have a hard time believing either is random.
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Now that you're dead, do you still celebrate your Birthday or do
you just celebrate your Deathday?
Only someone still
alive could have come up with this question. <grin> Once you're
dead your Birthday simply becomes another reminder that you're dead. Both
the anniversary of your birth and death are painful to think about. I
don't personally know anyone who celebrates either day, but I do know
quite a few who go out a get totally shit-faced when either of those days
roll around.
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I LOVE your blog and I'm a Clevelander too - though I'm still alive. What
do you like best about Cleveland?
It's hard to pick
just one thing to love about this city and I'd imagine anyone in love
with the city they live in would feel the same way. I love Saturday mornings
wandering around Coventry - checking out bookstores and flipping through
CDs right before stopping into Tommy's for some French Onion Soup. And
there's really nothing better than the occasional night out bar-hopping
in the Flats or long afternoon reading at the Border's Café. Not
to mention Cedar Point - though I guess that's not exactly Cleveland,
more like general Northeast Ohio, but whatever.
I think what I love the very most about Cleveland is the fact that it's
not very hip and, as a result, it's always easy to a place to sit in restaurants,
the parks are never filled to bursting and you can even find a parking
spot in Lakewood ... most of the time.
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On one of your recent posts you talked about being buried. How much
does it bother you to think about that? Would you have preferred to have
been mummified or cremated?
To be perfectly honest, I try very hard not to think about it. Before I became a culler I was like most people - I was aware of what I looked like and made some kind of effort from time to time.
I don't think I would
have liked to have been mummified since mummies creep me out but I sometimes
wonder about being cremated. As far as I know, no one I know personally
has been cremated but it's an interesting idea. There are times when I'm
doing normal everyday things - standing in line at a grocery store, doing
paperwork or switching a radio station - and I'll get a brief mental flash
of myself decomposing in the ground. When I was new and the whole idea
had first occurred to me, it haunted me on a regular basis. These days,
though, my thoughts might turn to that once or twice a month, if that.
It's an unpleasant reality, but not one I choose to dwell on very often.
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Yes. But that's not
to say they're easy to get. At most jobs you get a set amount of time
off per year but that's not exactly the way it work with us. I can usually
talk my way into a week of solid time off every year but once you get
in with a group of friends it can be pretty easy to trade culls here and
there to arrange a day off when you really need one. It's a practice frowned
on by various administrators but it's not something they go out of their
way to stop.
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Do you have to brush your teeth? Do you sweat? So you have to take a bath?
Yes on all counts. Because we primarily exist in the 'real' world, we're subject to pretty much the same realities you are. We don't have to do the same things quite as often - we can, for example, go for weeks without food - we do eventually need fuel for our corporeal bodies in the form of food, we need lots of water (death is very dehydrating) and we need to brush our teeth and bathe. Actually, I've found that I brush my teeth and wash up a lot more often, though I think it might be primarily psychosomatic.
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You live in Ohio which, as you know, was a big swing state in the last
election. Can you vote and, if so, who did you vote for? Do you even pay
attention to politics or does it not really matter to you?
We can't vote and, to be honest, I've never met a culler who wanted to. Voting primarily affects the living but that's not to say politics don't affect us. Cullers are out working all over the world so that means we have quite a lot stationed over in Iraq right along with all the soldiers. When I say that my job is to go around collecting dead people I don't mean that this is the system that we have just here. This is the way it happens everywhere.
During the last election
I watched the votes come in and was mildly disappointed at the outcome
but only because as a topsider I was a political junkie. I like the drama
and, yeah, I found myself rooting for a certain outcome. But I felt about
the whole thing the way you might feel about a soap opera or a late night
mini-series. I watch the news every day, on days I have the time I read
three different news papers (four on Sunday) plus a slew of magazines
and books (I just finished Al Franken's 'Lies and the Lying Liars Who
Tell Them'). But I'm not really indicative of the average culler on that
score. Most cullers don't care too much about politics and most of them
only watch the news to see what the rest of us have been up to.
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What kind of TV do you watch?
Since my schedule is sort of weird I don't watch too much regular TV since
I'm not home in prime time and that seems to be when all the big shows
are on. I suppose I could tape them but I'm just not interested enough
in most of it to bother. I do, however, make a very regular habit of watching
the Simpsons, CSI (and it's various spin-offs), Enterprise and late night
reruns of shit like Night Court and Family Ties. Rosalie has cable to
she records South Park, Six Feet Under and The Sopranos for me and I just
watch those when I get the chance. I also rent stuff when I have time
off and just recently spent an entire weekend watching the entire 4th
season of Voyager on DVD.
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What happens after
you are done being a culler? what happens next?
It's kind of the ultimate slap in the face really. You don't know what
happens to you. It's sort of like a second lease on life (except you're
dead) At some point I'll be done burning off whatever bad kharma I've
earned or whatever good kharma I didn't take the time to earn. Cullers
do finish their rounds at some point but I have no idea what happens next.
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I'm really scared of dying. Like, even if I think about it just for
a second then I get piss-my-fucking-pants scared. I guess I'm just looking
for some reassurance. Please tell me death isn't anything to fear.
Fearing death is like fearing the monsters beneath your childhood bed.
It's intense at the time, so much so that the memories of that fear stay
with you. (I know some cullers who still refuse to let any part of their
body hang over the side of the bed when they sleep.) But, as you grew
up, your logical mind took over and you knew that there was really nothing
to fear all those years. As an adult you might even smile at the thought
of your much younger self burrowing under blankets and curling up in the
middle of the bed, listening for any noise. Once death comes for you,
you'll feel the same way about your fears of death.
Of course, that can be of rather insignificant comfort when you're shivering and curled up in the bed of life.
When you die you might
experience a moment of fear (depending, of course, on how you die). Some
people do indeed piss themselves with fear or cry and scream. But that's
all over rather quickly. I think the fear comes from the idea that your
own consciousness will be no more.
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Your posts make it sound like death is one big bureaucracy. Is it?
Sort of. Even for the living, death is big industry - ask any Funeral Home director. It's no different on the other side. Death costs money to a certain extent. Cullers all over the world require places to live and some even qualify to have their own cars.
There are three agencies involved in the Death side of things. The Center for Time Regulation of Lifecycles (CTRL), the Association of Lethal Treatments (ALT) and the Department of Ending Life (DEL).
First, all deaths are planned well in advance by CTRL. The people working there monitor all new births and tag some from the moment the appear on the radar of life. CTRL simply gives a general time - usually a span of 3 years within which that person will die. Their file is then sent to ALT who narrow the date down to the exact date of death. They assign Departure Times based on a combination of factors including life span, other people tagged for death during that period and other bits of information that I don't know too much about. Finally, the file is sent to the DEL who assign the type of death that person will have. I've been to the ALT building once. They're a weird lot.
You'll get a general
overview of all this - with a lot more details that I just can't remember
anymore - once you're culled.
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