Those Wacky Christians!
Have you seen Jesus lately? If you haven't go back and check your nachos. If he's not there check the buildings around town. He and the fam are making yet another bizarre appearance. Recently, Christian zealots have been flocking to Milton Hospital in Massachusetts to see an oil stain that resembles Mary. Five years ago the seal broke on the third floor window, staining the glass a milky white. Now people are seeing Mary. Admittedly, the stain DOES resemble a human form and, since it's blue (and too small and lithe looking to be The Tick) I suppose that one could say it looked like Mary. So there's that. But I saw a cloud the other day that looked like Snoopy, but I don't think Charles Shultz is trying to send the world a message. And, if you click here you can see a rock that looks like a penis ... but I sincerely doubt anyone thinks that's a message from the heavens either. The Keyhole Nebula that looks like a hand flipping the finger ... so, is God telling us all to go fuck ourselves?
Christians claim God is everywhere. Literally. Thousands of them turned up in New Mexico in the late 70s to see Jesus on a tortilla chip. Jesus and Mary have been spotted in car windows, clouds and even misshapen potato chips. They sure do get around. <insert eye roll here>
Don't you think that if God were real he'd come up with a better way of contacting us lowly mortals? Does he really need to resort to parlour tricks at this point? Whatever happened to the good old days when he'd just part seas and make water come out of rocks? Has the old man gotten lazy these days? Good God, how lazy can you get? Omnipotent but too lazy to do anything other than make half-hearted attempts via oil stained windows and undercooked flatbreads?
I'd like to make an open appeal to all Christians to STOP WITH THE WEAK ASS JESUS SIGHTINGS! Not only do you look foolish, you're giving lucid, sane Christians a bad name. Christians are like any other subculture: there are always a few wormy apples. Meanwhile, all the normal people get shoved to the side and forgotten about as the world points and laughs at the nutters. (Actually, come to think of it ... that makes them sort of like the homosexuals. I mean, you see all those freakishly and flamboyantly gay men in parades dressed out in drag and riding on those John Holmes inspired floats and before you know it, you start to think of all gay people as being so bizarre. But that's a whole other topic .... where was I?)
Oh yes, the Crispy Christians...
I love it when they come out of the wood work and put their bizarre beliefs on the internet. It's some of the funniest shit on the planet. The meek may inherit the earth, but the internet is clearly the domain of the nutters.
http://www.answersingenesis.org/cec/docs/lesson1_text.asp
From the site: "Dinosaurs first existed around 6000 years ago"
Um, yeah, never mind they were went extinct 65 Million years ago.... Oh
wait they couldn't have because: "Dinosaurs could not have died out
before this time because death, bloodshed, disease, and suffering is a
result of Adam's sin."
http://www.christiananswers.net/q-eden/edn-c012.html
From the site: "The Bible does not teach that intelligent life exists
elsewhere in our universe. Although our all-powerful God could have created
such life had He desired, it seems rather obvious from Scripture that
He did not."
http://www.geocentricity.com/whygeocentricity.htm
Geocentricity is the belief that the universe revolves around the earth.
Switch the first two letters around and you get Egocentricity. These
people believe that teaching heliocentric ideas (i.e. that everything
revolves around the Sun) weakens the Bible's authority so they've decided
to set out to prove that the Earth is central. I wonder how long before
they start preaching that it's flat as well.
http://www.godhatesfags.com
The infamous Rev. Fred Phelps. One of the most brain damaged people you're
like to come across on the Internet. He achieved some national exposure
when he and his ilk protested at the funeral of Matthew Shepherd. There
were reports of the clan spitting on attendants there. Expect to find
some of the most outlandish and hate-filled shit on his website. The site
does, however, feature a neat little game called Fags vs Kids - http://www.godhatesfags.com/fags/fagsvskids.html
http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/8449/space.html
From the site: 'NASA astronomer John O'Keefe says, "it is my view
that these circumstances indicated that the universe was created for man
to live in."' So then why are all the other planets totally inhabitable
for man?
http://www.boblarson.org/index.html
The website doesn't actually do this guy justice. I used to catch his
show on TBN (The Trinity Broadcasting Network) when I lived in Ohio. Check
your local listings and, if you get the chance, definitely watch. He hosts
a radio call in show where he routinely preformed exorcisms for listeners
who would call in. I'm telling ya ... it's some great TV.
http://www.chick.com/catalog/tractlist.asp
From the site: " CHICK TRACTS GET READ!" And it's true! I've
even sent some of these to my friends. My personal favorites include 'Dark
Dungeons' and 'Party
Girl'
http://freeinchrist.truepath.com/index.htm
This site, much like the Bible, manages to contradict itself all over
the place. It even manages to do it within the same sentence, a feat I'm
not sure even the Bible manages to accomplish. From the site: "It
is a Christ-centered, interactive non-denominational group wherein the
Bible is the absolute authority."
http://christiananswers.net
Site offers Christian movie reviews ... need I say more? Bizarrely, 'Mask'
(the one with Cher, not the one with Jim Carey) got a rating of 'Very
Offensive' but 'Meet The Parents' got an 'Average' Rating ... figure THAT
out.
Got any more Crispy Christian links? Tell
me about it!
