The
End of Men?
In a
strange quirk of fate, the militant lesbian poster child is ... a man.
Bryan Sykes, an Oxford professor, has delivered the news that will make
the pipe dreams of bitter ex-wives and feminazis come true.
Have you noticed how men are looking more and more androgynous lately?
The real men from days of yore seem to be disappearing before our very
eyes; their brutish and muscled frames giving way to a new generation
of wiry pseudo-men with hairless concave chests and almond shaped, doleful
eyes. It's one of those things that would occur to me every once in awhile
but not something I gave very much thought about until recently, when
I read about the findings of Bryan Sykes, a professor at Oxford University.
In his forthcoming book, Adam's Curse, he boldly declares that men are,
in fact, going extinct.
He claims it's their Y-chromosome that's to blame. The Y-chromosome, which is what makes a man a man, is incapable of repairing itself the way X-chromosomes can. And, over the years, it's become increasingly degraded (both physically and spiritually, if you ask me) and will continue along this path until it's eventually reduced down to cellular obscurity, leaving women as the only sex on planet Earth. Although this extinction isn't supposed to happen for another 125,000 years, you can see it going on now.
Hollywood is the best place to view the timeline of men becoming women. At one time you could count on movies showing such gristled faces as Tommy Lee Jones, Harrison Ford and Steve Martin, Men who, regardless of their personal peculiarities, at least LOOKED like men. Now we're stuck with the likes of Jude Law, Leonardo DiCaprio and Ashton Kutcher - a far cry from the broad chested strong shouldered man. I'm all for the sensitive male but it's really gotten out of hand over the past few years. It is, after all, somewhat disturbing when a man has less body hair than I do.
I have to admit - I hope men find a way of saving themselves within the next 125,000 years. I'd hate to think that the new crop of men are going to become the norm for manliness.
It's
starting already though (as you'll soon see) I decided to sift through
the current crop of celebrity men to test their true manliness....
What makes a Real Man?
1. Testicles
Obviously.
2. Deep voice /
Adam's apple
Let's face it, Real Men don't have lilting voices reminiscent of kindergarten
teachers. You don't want someone like Pee-Wee Herman screeching sweet
nothings into you ear, do you?
3. Muscles
Stick men are inherently creepy. Think Buffalo Bill from Silence of the
Lambs. When you feel the urge to be held, comforted and protected the
last thing you want is to be enveloped by arms thinner than your own.
If you're being rescued from a building about to be blown sky high by
drug cartel terrorists who do you want coming to your rescue: Bruce Willis
a la Die Hard or Kelso (Ashton Kutcher) a la That 70's Show?
4. Body Hair
This is pivotal. I've been seeing an alarming number of 'men' with absolutely
no chest hair. What's worse is that some evidentially SHAVE their chest
hair (and some even have their 'bikini area' waxed) This is so disturbing
I can't even think about it right now.
5. Sweat
Real Men aren't afraid to get sweaty and dirty - be it from toiling under
a car all day, chopping wood, or whatever other manly pursuits may occupy
his time.
6. Short Hair
Long haired hippies may be good for a one night role in the hay or a good
bag of pot, but they're still not 'real' men. I don't want to have to
worry that my man is using more conditioner than me or hear him whinge
about whether or not his split ends are getting out of hand.
7. Scathing Wit
/ The MacGyver Factor
This obviously includes an healthy dose of knowledge. Real Men read and
think and don't just come home and flop in front of the TV as Big Brother
comes on. For that matter, Real Men don't watch shit like Big Brother.
This category also covers the all important MacGyver factor because an
extensive knowledge base needs to prove itself useful for more than just
scathing wit. The MacGyver Factor is based on its namesake: MacGyver,
the main character from the popular 80's TV Show of the same name. (Also,
the idol hunk for Marge Simpson's sisters Patty and Selma) It's essentially
the ability to make do with what you have. MacGyver was famous for rigging
bombs out of gum wrappers and D Cell batteries - stuff like that. While
men in the real world may have little need to blow out cellar doors, they
often need to jerry rig quick fixes for cars on the side of the road,
or patch garage doors and the like. It's essential that Real Men be able
to gather up a handful of bit parts and assemble them into something useful.
In short, Real Men should be as good with their hands as they are with
their heads.
8. A Passion For
Violence
That's not to say that Real Men are actually violent. As long as their
eyes light up with the see big guns and cheap action flicks. Real fantasy
men are violent, however. I may like to think of my man as being able
to punch a hole in the wall but that doesn't mean I want to see him doing
it. Real Men don't shy away at the sight of blood and don't run from the
merest hint of aggressive confrontation.
9. Carnivore
Sorry to any vegetarian men out there, but the truth isn't always nice.
Real Men eat meat. Period.
10. A Sense of
Aggressive Justice
Real Men right wrongs. They see the what's wrong with the world or society
and feel an irrepressible need to fix it.
So the obvious question now is: Who sets the standard for this Real Man
qualification? To whom shall we point as our shining beacon of real masculinity?
What one man could possibly embody all these traits?
A college professor
/ professional archaeologist who runs all over the world recovering ancient
artefacts from the clutches of evil forces bent on ruling or destroying
the world. He's quick on his feet and doesn't shy away from the inevitable
confrontations, facing them head on with his superior fighting skills
and sly sense of humor. He's ruggedly handsome and more than capable of
thwarting Nazis armed with only
a whip.
Bearing all that in
mind, let's see how some other famous men stack up, shall we?
From Talia
I may have to dispute your choosing Indiana Jones as the end all and be
all of manliness. Although he is EXTREMELY cool (that can't be denied),
he's afraid of snakes. Shouldn't a real man be able to get rid of creepy
crawly things?
I was thinking of nominating B.A. (Mr. T) from the A-Team to your list,
but I decided against it. His fear of flying made me waver, but it was
the abundance of gold jewelry that finally did him in.
Hmmm... have to
admit there's a certain logic here - anyone have a better idea for the
ultimate man for all other men to be judged against? Now
taking nominations
YET ANOTHER UPDATE!
From Mark
I would
like to voice my displeasure at the deposeing of Indiana Jone from the
seat of ultimate manliss. As a man, and a long-time fan of Indiana Jones,
I believe that Indiana Jones is the ultimate of manliness, the standard
of manliess against which I judge myself, and have since early childhood.
I could go into great detail about Indiana Jones' manliness, but I won't. What I will do is attempt to refute the claim that his fear of snakes makes him any less manly. Note that in none of the movies does he ever allow his fear of snakes to prevent him from achieving his goals. He fears them, yes, but gets things done despite that fear.
Thanks for your time.
Snake Plissken
(Escape from New York / LA)
At first glance, you may think ol' Snake is manly through and through.
And, in a way, you'd be right. He sails through most of the list with
flying colors with testicles, his permanent 5 o'clock shadow and a voice
that suggests he subsists on a diet of gravel and cigarettes. However,
his hair is a bit too close to a mullet to be truly manly and he's not
exactly the waxiest crayon in the box - unless, of course, his monosyllabic
vocabulary is just a cover. He does, however, possess a sense of brutal
justice that (almost) makes up for it
As much fun as the idea of Kelso is (who couldn't love a pot head?) he just doesn't quite cut it does he? His chest in concave AND hairless (a double whammy) and his voice is surprisingly screechy considering his obnoxiously huge Adam's Apple. He's also disturbingly slim, not incredibly bright and doesn't strike me as being very useful in a crisis. <sigh>
One of the manliest men going. Hair doesn't come much shorter than his close copped crew cut and he looks much better once he (and his obligatory white wife beater tee shirt) have been through the ringer. His intelligence is somewhat hard to gauge but, considering his role In Die Hard III, we can assume it's not exactly NASA material, which DOES bring his rating down a bit.
Another example of almost all man ... but he (like Snake Plisskin) comes up sorely lacking in the intelligence. Considering he's a machine, though, this could be easily remedied with a new hard drive or something I'd imagine. So all hope isn't lost. Surprisingly, he also comes up short in the body hair category, though the argument could be made that he more than makes up for it by way of muscles and his passion for violence.
Colin Farrell's personal reputation makes him more of a celebrity than any of his movie roles. He had been working very hard for some time to make himself out to be the ultimate bad boy - until he was exposed as being anything but. Needless to say, this sort of thing definitely brings a man's rating down. He does, however, possess the requisite short hair and deep voice, so there's that.
By the way .... is it just me or does Colin Farrell look disturbingly similar to John Stamos?
In spite of his long hair he still manages to get close to the top rank as far as being a Real Man is concerned. He's what I suppose you could call a special case. He definitely excels in The MacGyver Factor since he possesses the uncanny ability to not only make a bong out of anything, but to make a career out of that ability as well.
Rarely do you find such a well rounded man. He earns top marks in every category and then has a superhuman drug tolerance on top of it all. Unlike Johnny Depp (who may have done a good job at coming close to the great man's idiosyncratic drawl - but was really too skinny and gawky looking to really pull it off) Thompson is durable grade A man-steel. He's survived run ins with Hells Angels as well as ugly spills off motorcycles and ugly confrontations that range from drunken barroom fights to flashbacks the likes of which would reduce a lesser man to primordial ooze. Couple all that with his amazing wit and scathing observations and you've got the makings for the absolutely perfect man. Hmmm... maybe he should have been the bar by which all others were measured ....
Ol' Trousersnake Timberlake may be the new hottest thing but I'm sorry - he's a girl in man's clothing. Putting aside the fact that he earned his fame by crooning to prepubescent girls, he's absolutely devoid of any substantial body hair, has the babiest of baby faces AND he's can hit falsetto notes. Sorry, girls ... if you want a real man, you'd better get in synch with something else.
Clearly 'Jenny from the (Incredibly Expensive) Block' likes her men pretty much as girlie as they come. Ben rates high in the short hair / broad shouldered departments, but his whiny voice and penchant for strippers (Real Men don't need to pay chicks to get naked) bring his rating tumbling down, down, down ....
From Joe's email: "...I never get tired of watching Steve McQueen. ... I just saw "The Hunter" on TV, where he plays a modern day bounty hunter. He drives an old car. Is a lousy driver. ... In one scene he goes after a bail jumper who is about six foot five at least and outweighs McQueen by about a hundred pounds. The big guy is just beating the crap out of Steve who keeps imploring him, "Now wait a minute let's talk about this!". He throws Steve through a door where he had left his stun gun just in case he might need it. He just manages to get off a shot with the stun gun and knocks the big guy out. The scene where he goes after the Branch brothers is hilarious. He completely destroys a brand new Trans Am that he rented at the airport. He returns the car on a flatbed trailer and calmly hands the keys to the woman at the car rental agency."
Based on this and the other scraps of movies I've seen Steve McQueen in, I have to admit: he's a man's man. The shortest of short hair. Steely gaze and most definitely meaty. His wit is up for debate but he still gets 9 out of 10.
Tony Soprano (The
Sopranos) (nominated by Kris)
From Kris'
email: "You totally forgot about the hunkiest most brutal man of
all - Tony Fuckin' Soprano!"
And ya know what ... she's right. I can't believe I forgot to include
Tony in the original list - hopefully he won't whack me. <grin>
Tony definitely rates about as high as you can get - he's a man through
and through ... and he likes ducks, which I find very endearing. But mushy
sentiments aside, you just don't get any manlier than a man who carries
a gun and can stare someone down a mile away.
From Mojo's email: "I know he was also 'The Commish' but can't we just forget about that? In The Shield he's a massive man. Busting down doors, burning people's faces on stove tops and built like a brick shithouse!"
Definitely another real man. I watched him busting through that wooden fence at least half a dozen times - the man is a human bulldozer.
From Mojo's email: "You know it's true."
Ummm... okay. Firstly, isn't Mojo Jojo a monkey? And secondly, he's a cartoon, which prevents him from being ... well, manly. But, in the interest of fair play, he is an evil overlord with his own sense of freaky justice. His strange Disco Stu inspired outfit costs him, though ... not to mention that hat. Interestingly enough, though, he scores much higher than Justin Timerlake, Colin Farrell and Ben Afflek
Though lacking in the muscles and propensity towards violence categories, Arthur makes up for it with his wit and bravery. He's an unlikely hero but one who inspires mere mortals nonetheless. He's the ubiquitous 'everyman' thrust into an extraordinary situation and still manages to keep hold of sanity and his towel.
Grissom is, in my personal opinion, a bit of a twat. He does, however, fulfill many of the Manly Requirements. He's witty (some claim), seems to have testicles and does have a certain charm - though I believe most of it stems from his ambigious homosexuality.
Homer Simpson (nominated by JT)
From is email: He's the ideal American. The ideal man. The ideal human.
It's been awhile since I received a nomination for this so I'll play along. Homer indeed has a lot of the qualifications for "real man". He has not body hair or muscle mass to speak of, but the argument could be made that his over the top sense of aggressive justice and carnivorism makes up for this so he scores a surprisingly high 9/10.
