Ode to VD

I remember that first itch, that first flicker of life
As I sat in the bathroom, cutting warts off with a knife
Some might be sad when they get VD
But I know my groin is giving presents to me

Gonorrhea, syphilis, chlamydia and crabs
When it stops itching I can tear off the scabs
Inflammation and puss and rashes and bumps
Liquids and discharge that come out in clumps

Sometimes it smells fishy, sometimes it's just rank
It reminds me of my basement - all moldy and dank
The puss dribbles out and clots in my hair
It sticks to my underpants until I shave myself bare

For days and for weeks I pick and I scratch
Tearing at my skin until it burns like a match
Like X marks the spot I pick and I dig
Rubbing and picking until the scabs get big

The doctor loads me up with ointments and creams
And for six to eight weeks I only get laid in my dreams
Then it all clears up and I'm ready to go
Pursuing my dream as the world's best hoe

Thanksgiving with Eddie Gein

This little poem only makes sense if you know who Eddie Gein was. The man was a total freak. He served as the real life inspiration for characters like Norman Bates, Hannibal 'The cannibal' Lecter and Leatherface (from The Texas chainsaw Massacre) and remains a favorite among serial killer enthusiasts due to the extreme nature of his crimes. When he was finally arrested in 1957 police found a plethora of horrific artifacts he had amassed from a career of necrophilia: a belt made from nipples, furniture upholstered in human skin, a shoebox full of vaginas, bowls made from human skulls, a vest made from a woman's torso and the decapitated body of his last victim hung in the barn in a position akin to how a deer is hung when a hunter is preparing to skin and gut it. When the truth of all his activities finally came to light, it turned out he was guilty of not only cutting up these corpses and using them as home decorations, he was also eating parts of them (police found a human heart in a frying pan and pieces of human meat wrapped in butcher paper in his refrigerator) as well as having sex with them on a regular basis.

So, with all of that in mind, I now present to you:

Thanksgiving with Eddie Gein

Don't serve that plain old Turkey this Thanksgiving Day
Good ol' Eddie Gein can show us a better way!
Something with extra meat and much more use
Than a silly stuffed bird or greasy old goose.

We can go along with old Ed to pick out the corpse
We could head for the morgue - go straight to the source!
We'll find one that's fresh, with skin nice and tight
A matronly woman would fit Ed just right.

We'll drag it back home so Eddie can gut it
He'll keep all the fun parts in a rusty old bucket.
Then we'll slice it and stuff it, cook it up right
You can be sure Ed will want to take the very first bite.

We'll have enough for dinner and then some more
Plus a new shrunken head to hang on the door.
So let's forgo the stuffing and the whole turkey scene
And have a Thanksgiving to remember with ol' Eddie Gein.

Sung to the tune of 'Born in the USA' by Bruce Springsteen
Parody by EinsteinShrugged

Card came postmarked out of town
The name on the corner made me frown
The freak from the office knows me way too much
Spying on me when he should be having his lunch

Stalked by my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine

Saw him rolling by in his van
And so I drew the curtains and called The Man
Said they couldn't help, good God Damn!
I'm gonna be stalked by this freaky man

Stalked by my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine

Call back again when he contacted me
Man in blue says I'm not a priority
Next day in the office he corners me
Leaning in and smelling like a distillery

Stalked by my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine

Phone ringing off the hook before dawn
His voice tellin' me that 'It won't be long'
Grab the mace, ready to stand my ground
Next day I find dog shit on my lawn

Every day the freak challenges my sanity
He's started slashing up my tires for variety
He's got a gun and he's gonna blow
And I'm screwed and I'm scared and there's nowhere to go

I'm a creeped out victim of my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine
I'm a fearful fuckin' victim of my Valentine
Stalked by my Valentine